what is gender
okay i feel like as a collective gay web of .people we all know what it islike to feel really strangely toward gender thingies....
and i am a girl she/her and all of that but i feel SO WEIRD ABOUT IT its really hard to describe!
you know how trans people talk about like KNOWING at a young age that they were not like the other girls/boys etc ? and like how they never aligned with their assigned sex? thats NOT me like i know deep down im a girl. im not a boy or anything else, im a girl, but i dont LIKE being a girl. whenever im referred to with she/her pronouns or like just percieved as a girl i feel like so. strange about it
but if im referred to as he/him then it also feels weird like im being dishonest or pretending. if im referred to as they/them it feels strange too because i dont really align with being nonbinary so i THOUGHT i was genderfluid but that just doesnt seem right either. really the only gender that makes sense for me is female but it just. feels.weird.
i dont think its because im secretly transgender i think its because im secretly like internally misogynistic. i used to hate pink so much because it was a girly color and i wanted short hair so id be less girly etc. etc. but i wasnt transgender then either, it was more like i wanted to be anything OTHER than a girl because i thought being a girl was embarrassing. WHY AM I EMBARRASSED TO BE MY FUCKING ASSIGNED GENDER THIS IS SO WEIRD
and for a while it went away and i started loving pink and loving dresses and femininity and stuff and that was great but it never.felt.right i felt like i was pretending and then as i got older i started being met with expectations to be girly. like why is your chest flat and why are you ugly and why is your hair messy just brush it why do you have leg hair why arent you as skinny as everyone else etc etc etc and it just ruined everything for me
because now i dont feel PRETTY enough to be a girl and i dont feel MASCULINE enough to be a boy and i dont feel that im allowed to even be anything else because of my religion
which is a relatively new thing for me! ive only just started aligning with the label of like "christian" sort of christian and before i adopted this religion, i was pretty strongly athiest and didnt believe that being gay or transgender was any sort of wrong in terms of religion. i still dont! at least not toward other people.
since around last year, when i was mainly using they/them pronouns, i began feeling so guilty because number one, i knew i was a girl deep down. number two, i didnt feel like god would approve of me, though this like didnt apply ? to other people? like when i interact with queer people, it never even crosses my mind that like this is anti-religious or god wouldnt approve of this person. i think god loves all of his children and i DONT think he hates gay people or anything like that, but for whatever reason i just cant afford myself the same courtesy. i dont feel like that love applies to me and i feel like i have to be.better for him to love me and accept me
but its hard because i dont like to be a girl and i dont like to be a boy and i dont like to be anything else but i have to stay true to my religion and i want to feel like i am GOOD while doing it. i want to be someone and feel good about it. i want to be a girl and i want to genuinely like it but its so hard to like being something that you are constantly judged for being.
my brother is embarrassed to be in public with me because im a girl. i cant wear certain things because im a girl. i have to act a certain way because im a girl and my life is going to be harder because i am a girl and i am going to bleed forever because i am a girl what the fuck even . what
i JUST WANT TO FEEL PRETTY I DONT WANT TO FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO CHANGE GENDERS ENTIRELY JSUT TO BE ATTRACTIVE IM SO . IM SO IM SO IM SO IM SO
and im not the kind of person who is pretty but they THINK theyre ugly like im genuinely. i have genuinely unnattractive features that are not pretty by todays beauty standards. i have a hooked nose and thin lips and mean eyebrows and flat hips and like a really fucking grotesque body like my thighs and ankles are so fucking . its gross i feel gross and my midsection its gross why is my chest flatter than my belly ? ? ? when other girls look so pretty at my age. im not being self deprecating like i wish i could make you understand that i do not look anything like other girls and its so fucking awful i have such weird proportions. I LOOK LIKE A CHILD
and i know like the solution is self-confidence but there is something telling me that an ugly person who is confident is just annoying. if youre ugly you should act like it but I DONT FEEL THAT WAY TOWARD???? OTHER PEOPLE WHAT THE HELL like i dont think other people are ugly i just like so rarely see people i think are genuinely unnattractive and even then i dont think that they should feel more insecure????? so why do i feel that way toward myself ??? help ??? anyway if im ugly i should act like it and i shouldnt draw attention to myself and i should apologize for how i look i guess
i just cant exude confidence when i know im not attractive and i dont. really. want to because people will think im annoying but people ALREADY think im annoying because im a girl so what is the point to even going outside i dont want people to look at me
i dont mean people online by the way i mean people in real life who are much more awful and judgemental. people in real life are cruel and they WILL notice if you look different and they WILL make fun of you for it even if theyre adults and youre a child who hasnt even fucking finished developing. at least thats how it is in texas i dont know.
i really just want to look different. if i looked pretty i could be a girl but i dont look pretty enough to be any gender at all. if i were skinnier or taller maybe or if i got plastic surgery or drank more water. i just look so weird i dont know how to describe it. i know im like skinnier than i should be but i cant stop seeing. pudge IM SKINNIER THAN I WAS LAST YEAR AT LEAST but it doesnt feel like enough to me but im eating as little as i can and its not helping like i think this is the skinniest i will get but im not. skinny enough yet FUCK MY FUCKING UTERUS i have .the extra fat to protect my uterus but i never fucking wanted one in the first place fuck i just want to look nice
in conclusion its hard to align with the label of female for many reasons but i know im not anything else ! end of blog post